Monday, February 11, 2013

Red Flags of an abuser

Here are several red flags that can alert you to the fact that you ARE in an abusive relationship. One or two of these alone do not make an abuser necessarily but you have to be vigilant and know your own heart. If you're being abused by someone and they fit into several of these categories, please seek help. I have left some good information in my previous posts on where/how to get help.


  • Call you names. Stupid, bitch, lazy, useless, whore, slut, worthless, and I'm sure we can all come up with many others.

  • Belittle every little choice you make. For instance if he asks you where you want to go out to eat and you say Red Lobster, he may say something like "Oh, you like seafood? Seafood is disgusting I can't believe you'd eat that crap, I'd never go there."

  • Tell you that you act stupid, they do not like how you act in public/in front of other people, therefore you start to retreat and stay at home because you feel like you're embarrassing your abuser.

  • Tell you what you can/can't wear. "That's too slutty, are you trying to cheat on me, do you have a boyfriend? You're not wearing that." Or, "You're going to wear sweatpants? I'm not going to be seen with some ugly bitch in sweatpants, you go put on something decent."

  • Control everything you do. Where you sit, how you eat, what you eat, what time you go places and how long it should take you. They have to show you how to fold laundry their way, what order to do the dishes in, what channel you're going to be watching on television, what time you go to bed. The list can go on and on.

  • Take the mileage in your vehicle so that they can track how many miles you drive. They pull plugs and wires in your vehicle so you're unable to leave, or they feel the hood of your car to make sure it's not warm and you didn't drive anywhere.

  • Isolate you. They get in the way of all of your relationships with family and friends so that they're unable to spend time with you/talk to you anymore. They want you to feel alone so that you have no support to leave them. This is a typical way an abuser traps his victim. No contact with the outside world.

  • Start fights with you at the most inopportune times. If they do allow you to have friends/family at your home for a visit, they'll start a big fight and embarrass you in front of everyone in order to make them too uncomfortable to come there every again.

  • Compare you to every other woman in the world. "My mother didn't do things that way", "Doug's wife doesn't do that...", "My brothers wife does whatever he wants, what's your problem?" etc.

There are many more examples of red flags for abusers. I will be writing more over the next week. Keep checking back, make sure you or someone you know is not being abused and if they are, help them in any way that you can. Typically the abusers are just talkers, they just say things to scare you and they'd never really do anything to harm you. BUT, there are abusive people out there that have plenty of potential to do bad things if they're found out. Be careful, pay attention to signs and don't get in the way of anything if you are not sure. I will be leaving more information on my blog as often as possible. Contact me if you have any questions....stay safe.

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